Have you ever looked at pictures after a fun night out and think, “wow, I look terrible…” or “I love this picture!”
What was it that made you love or hate that picture? In my case, it was always if I looked thin enough in the pic. Never about how much fun it looked like I was having or how in love I looked (yep, even my own wedding pics I examined over and over again).
I can’t even begin to tell you the dread I would feel when someone tagged me in a picture on Facebook. I would promptly go and obsess over the picture—-zooming in on every part of my body.
A simple picture could literally destroy my day. Destroy.
A lot of ED therapy (or at least mine) is digging into why we think we should look a certain way. For me (as mentioned in previous blog entries) it was my empowering belief that in order to be loved (by friends, family and lovers) I needed to be a certain size. Hence my hyper focus on this—-I was rating how lovable I was by each and every picture.
When I was a leader for WW there were a fair amount of times I heard from people that they wanted to lose weight so they could be in pictures again. Shit tons of people staying out of photos because they thought they were too fat. When I told my therapist I wanted to be in photos again, she saw right through my bullshit—–her answer: so be in pictures again. Crazy right?! Then she said, you don’t have to look at pictures of yourself.
My advice:
If you want to be in pictures so people can put together a slide show of you for your funeral be in pictures (after all you aren’t going to care then!).
Or maybe your great grand kids would like to know what you looked like when you were young.
I certainly hope my eulogy doesn’t include: Dawn was a thin woman when she passed no rolls whatsoever. I hope that it contains things such as: Dawn was fun, kind, a joy to be around—-see these pics of her smiling? That’s her!
I have taken a break from analyzing my pictures. I did stop looking completely for a bit, but now I look and see me—-and I am pretty fucking awesome—no matter my size. You are too.
Okay, so I have spent some time in therapy to get to this point so I think I also have to point out that it is not easy. It is hard to not look at yourself in pictures so please note this important piece. Some pictures will look different than others on the same darn day, within minutes. Angles will make things look larger (or smaller). Sitting and standing will make you look different. Take all of this with a grain of salt. You don’t have to pose perfectly for every picture if you don’t want to.
The pictures I have on this post show me waiting for an early morning flight to go celebrate with girlfriends in Mexico. They were taken minutes apart. When these pictures (yes both should be there!) are shown at my funeral I hope it goes something like this:
This is Dawn at her 50th birthday. Can you see the excitement in her eyes and joy in her smile to be surrounded by people who love her? Also, yes, she certainly is drinking a Miller Lite at 7am. She really liked Miller Lite.
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